Quite some years ago my friend Lisana Maria from Venezuela was always sharing her latest observations of American life with me.  One night as we were going out to dinner was no exception.

Walking to the car from her Miami apartment I pointed to a field nearby and said, “I see you have a driving range nearby.”

“Yes,” she replied brightly.  Then all was silent for a few seconds as I saw thoughts begin to flicker quickly across her face.

Breaking the silence, she said, “You know, Dan, I can’t believe they show golf on television in this country.  No, really it doesn’t belong there.  It’s so slow and always the same.”

Continuing on in her Venezuelan accent she said, “The man on TV he says, oooh, … the ball, it is a leetle bit short.”  Or he says, “Oooh … the ball, it is a leetle bit too far.”  “It’s always the same.”

I agreed it seemed rather dull for television.  Getting into the spirit of the conversation, I said, “You know, Lisa, I once heard the definition for golf is it’s the best way a person can screw up a perfectly good walk.”

She laughed and said, “ That’s perfect, Dan, that’s what it is really.”  I allowed it was entirely true when it came to my golf game.  Lisa was greatly amused.

She went on to say, “and when they are done with the game, they talk to the golf players on TV and they say, oh yes, it is such a difficult sport, I lift many weights every morning, or another he say, oh yes, I run many miles to stay in shape.”

“What’s with this?” she asked. “They ride around in carts all day.”

“I think golf is a social thing,” she concluded.  “It’s no sport, really.”

Fully into the swing of the conversation now, I said, “Yes, when I first started playing golf I used to carry my clubs and it was great exercise, but I quickly realized I could carry more beer if I rented a cart.”

Warming up to my subject, I continued, “For this reason, I’ve always felt they should rent golf carts at the driving range.  That way you could drive a couple of cases of cold beer over to the tee.”

Of course, carrying on with the television tradition, I can see the commentator now when he says, “Oh, he fell on his face a little short of the tee,” or the commentator he says “oh, he fell flat on top of the tee.

On the other hand, I concluded, maybe this shouldn’t be televised after all.

Golf’s no sport, you know.

Not really.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel