The WoodChips Fractured History Of Thanksgiving

The Mayflower crashed into a rock with a 1959 Plymouth on it and a teenage tree saying Hey that Plymouth rocks
Many tree rings ago, in about 1620 more or less, there was a small forest in the old world of England. The trees in this forest wore funny hats and big shoe buckles on their roots and were known as Pilgrims, although no one really knows why they were called such an un-tree like name.

Why they were not called the Oaks, or even Quercus Roburs, the Latin name for English Oak, because lots of trees spoke Latin back then, remains an historical mystery to this day.

All that aside, life was okay for the PilgrimTrees, but day by day they grew more discontent in the old Forest. Their unhappiness stemmed from the fact that they were not allowed freedom of exercise.

A Pilgrim Tree lifting weights practicing his freedom to exercise

So they decided to split for the New Forest.

Actually, to be historically accurate, they had already split once to another forest called Holland, a crazy kind of place where the trees wore wooden shoes which the Pilgrims thought was just too weird. Worse yet, in Holland, they had too much freedom to exercise and some of them were just plum tuckered out.

So split they wood, yet again, for a forest far across the ocean called America. That decided, they went shopping for a big boat from a used boat salesman called Sir Woody. The whole negotiation was pretty iffy until Woody made up a cute name for the boat and told the Pilgrims it was called the Mayflower.

The Pilgrims really liked that, so they sealed the deal, hopped aboard and set sail for the New Forest across the ocean.

Their voyage was long and they sailed through many storms, the trees swaying back and forth in the breeze to keep their balance. After many months, as they neared the shores of the New American Forest, another storm came up. As the wind howled through the mast trees, the sky became very dark, so dark in fact that the Captain couldn’t see where he was going and they crashed into a big rock. Fortunately, their used boat didn’t sink, and as the storm passed, the sky lightened so they could see where they were.

To their amazement, the big rock they’d crashed into had a 1959 Plymouth with big tail fins parked on it. Now, they had been told about this back in the old forest, but many had dismissed it as urban legend. One of the teenage trees shouted, “Hey, that Plymouth rocks” and from that time forward, the place was known as Plymouth Rock.

Such is how history is made.

Anyhow, here was undeniable proof that they had arrived at the American Forest so the Pilgrim Trees were thankful. And this was not to be the last time they were to be thankful, as we are about to see.

So they all hopped off the boat, waded ashore and built a bunch of houses, because they knew winter would soon be upon them. Everything seemed okay until they realized they were hungry and didn’t have any food.

Miracle of miracles, about this time they noticed about ninety New World trees wearing loincloths with feathers sticking out of their heads walking their way. The New World trees introduced themselves and said they were called Indians, and asked if the Pilgrim trees would like something to eat.

The Pilgrim trees said, “Sure thing” and thought to themselves they were already liking the New Forest a lot. So they helped the Indians bring all the food to their houses so they could have a big feast.

They all set down to a big meal of turkey with dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, jelled cranberry’s in a can, sweet potatoes, fertilizer and mulch. It was quite a feast, by any standard, old world or new.

After the feast, the Pilgrim trees showed the Indians all of the exercises they were now free to do. They lifted weights, ran in place, which is how most trees run, really, did some cool aerobics, and showed the Indians pilates which the Indians mispronounced as pilots, but that doesn’t matter much, really.

The Indians thought this was a lot of fun, so they showed the Pilgrim Trees how to plant mashed potatoes and gravy, maize and those funny little cans of cranberries so they wouldn’t be hungry anymore and could feed themselves.

The Pilgrim trees were very thankful for all of this new information, and their full bellies, and their freedom to exercise. So they decided that every year in the fall, to show their thankfulness, they would wear really bright colored leaves, have a big feast, and call that meal Thanksgiving.

To this day, you can see the trees putting on their festive colored leaves in the Fall, getting ready for their Autumn feast. And you can actually visit Plymouth rock — all proof of the historically accurate origins of a WoodChips Thanksgiving as it is practiced to this day.

1 The Pilgrim Trees favorite pilates was “hug a tree.” Go figure.

2 Note that the 1959 Plymouth was washed away over the years by the action of the sea, but a portion of the rock remains to this day.

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