So have you ever noticed that Koala Bears never seem to catch a cold?  Ever wonder why that is?

That’s a pretty important thing to know now that we are in the winter cold and flu season.  Having recently recovered from the mother of all colds, and constantly hearing people hacking and sneezing during the day, I’ve been sensitized to information on this subject.

Astute reader Peter, who I believe has spent some time in Australia, inadvertently put me on to this recently when he suggested I might do a character based on the Eucalyptus tree.  Good idea, Peter.

As I was researching the Eucalyptus tree, I stumbled on to this symbiotic fact — more or less — that Koala bears never catch colds.  That’s because they hang out in eucalyptus trees and eat eucalyptus leaves.  Eucalyptus trees are chock full of those little wax paper twisty end wrapped menthol eucalyptus cough drops (that’s actually where Halls harvests them, I think).

Scientifically speaking, the menthol eucalyptus oils and vapors bifurcate through the twisty ends of the cough drops through a process known as eucalyptus osmosis and permeate the leaves and the Koala bears who are eating them.

So it’s impossible for the little bears to catch a cold.  I realize some of you may find this a bit of a stretch — but to my original point — have you ever heard a Koala bear cough or sneeze?

I rest my case.

Actually, I may have made some of this up — but stay tuned for Eucalyptus Part Deux — which may be somewhat more factual.

It turns out that Eucalyptus trees are pretty amazing after all.

To be continued – and have a nice day - J. Daniel

P.S. Sorry Halls if I divulged a trade secret.

“You still have a television with knobs,” my friend Charley pointed out recently.  I could tell by his tone this wasn’t complimentary.

“Well,” I replied evenly, maturely and defensively, “at least it’s simple and to the point.  When I pull the knob, the TV goes on.  There’s no complicated menu or delay.  Pull the knob and play the TV,” I summarized smugly.

I’ll never give up my old TV, I thought, because I’m having trouble with things without knobs.  As a matter of fact, I’d like to have all my knob things back.

Life’s just getting too complicated.  Like the pumps at the gas station.  It used to be you just pushed the lever to pump the gas.

Not so today.

Now the pump starts asking me a bunch of interview questions.  Pay inside?  Pay outside?  Want a receipt?  Credit?  Cash?  What’s your sign?  Would you like to contribute to the Indigent Oil Executives Polo Club Fund?

All the while it’s beeping, honking and snorting at me if I don’t answer quickly enough.

Once we’re done playing twenty questions, there’s this big delay as the machine try’s to get in the mood to pump gas.  Actually, in technical terms, this is called an IPL, which stands for Idiot Program Load.  Since the gas pump is a computer, by definition an idiot, it must find its brains and load the How To Pump Gas For Idiots Program.

I’m standing there thinking if it didn’t ask me so many damn fool questions; it would already be done with the IPL.

I realize I could be getting an attitude about this.

Which leads me straight to toasters and copy machines.

Toasters have remained virtually uncorrupted in function thus far – knock wood.  Of course, today’s toasters are pretty wussy little plastic four ounce affairs compare to a real man’s toaster like I own.

It’s one of those old roundy chrome things that weigh about five hundred and forty-eleven pounds. I think I have the first one invented by Benjamin Franklin, father of electricity, kites and turkey electrocution.  Being the consummate improver, he mounted subsequent models on cast iron wheels so they were easier to move around.

But I digress.

What I love about my toaster is its simplicity: one plug and one button.  To install the toaster requires nothing technical at all.  You just get four of your strongest neighbors, and offer them a bunch of beers if they’ll come over and help you lift the damn chrome monster onto your steel I-beam reinforced kitchen counter.  Then, while they’re all panting from the exertion, slamming their brews and checking their excessive pulse rates, you casually reach over and plug it into the wall socket.

No manuals or computer geek stuff needed.

Installation complete.

Operating the toaster is even easier than installing it mainly because you don’t have to bribe your friends to come over and load five hundred pound pieces of bread.  Nope, you just put two little slices in the toaster and push the button.  When the toast is done, it pops out.

God help me, I’ve fallen deeply in love with this machine.

Copy machines, on the other hand, are approaching the complexity of helium cooled digital 1.5 megavolt data blasters.  Gone are the days when you put a piece of paper in the machine, push the button, and a copy pops out toaster-like (as an historical technical note, these friendly little machines are wistfully referred to as Pop-Tart copiers.)

While you may still find these simple little devices in third world countries, there are none, I repeat, none, left in the United States, unless of course you count the one on display in the Ancient Jurassic Writing Devices section of the Smithsonian, and another in a rundown 7-11 outside of Peoria …

So, okay, I’ll say there are two left to be accurate and keep from overstating my case.

I have stood in front of our new copy machine for twelve minutes (literally), trying to get it to copy one sheet of paper onto another sheet of paper.  It was whirring and beeping and flashing different messages along with the current ticker process of the New York Stock Exchange, all the while asking me if I wanted to print double sided diagonal fold quadraplex reverse image upper left corner staple RGB color web pages from a an original wallet sized grey scale image … with yellow smudges.

I eventually wandered off, muttering under my breath that they needed to put a JC-SOB button on the machine.  You push this button when you want to JUST COPY THE SON OF A B@#CH!

I want my knobs back, which leads me to today’s news programs.  Since when did the news have to be so entertaining all the time?  Just give it to me straight and simple.  I’ve been watching the Coyote News Channel (not its real name), airing a New York based cable news show co-hosted by a really foxy news lady and her fellow newscasters.

They say they present the news straight and to the point.

Maybe so.

But they’re also having guests like the jazzercise bears dancing outside of their studio, and the magic weather screen with the weather puppet.

What’s this all about?  Captain Kangaroo for adults?  Anyway, the point’s moot since I only watch the show because the foxy news lady has great legs.  I don’t watch it for the news content.

They’re too entertaining.

So here’s a new concept.  How about if a really daring network executive gets some old guy with gray, thinning hair, to read the news in a semi-monotone voice without a whole lot of excitement.

Better yet, he reads the facts with an unbiased slant so we can’t tell what he actually thinks about them.  He’s informative and accurate, and doesn’t think he needs to entertain.

Let’s say  … hmmmmm … we call the guy Walter.

He starts his day with a breakfast of toast before the newscast, made on an old chrome toaster with only one button, and his news writer copies his dialog for him on a simple copier with only one button, and I get to watch him on my TV with knobs.

I know, I know, I’m dreaming.  But I really can’t help myself.

I want my knobs back.

Wishing you a great day (with knobs) – J. Daniel

Tree of Liberty:   A tree set up by the people, hung with flags and devices, and crowned with a cap of liberty.  The Americans of the United States planted poplars and other trees during the war of independence, “as symbols of growing freedom.”  The Jacobins in Paris planted their first tree of liberty in 1790.  The symbols used in France to decorate their trees of liberty were tricoloured ribbons, circles to indicate unity, triangles to signify equality, and a cap of liberty.  Trees of liberty were planted by the Italians in the revolution of 1848.
-  E. Cobham Brewer, The Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, 1894

~~~~~

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
-  Bill Vaughan

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

One of the more interesting trees is the Joshua Tree.  It can be found in the southwestern United States and seems to thrive in the desert.  Young trees grow as much as three inches a year in this harsh environment for the first ten years of their lives.

.

The tree was quite useful to the Cahuilla Native Americans in the past.  They harvested it flower buds and seeds to use for nutritious meals.  And they made sandals and baskets from its leaves.  They probably used its medicinal value as well.  The tree contains saponin glycodides, found in licorice, and is useful as an expectorant.

The tree is composed of long, internal fibers, so unlike other trees, it does not have tree rings.

It got its name from the Mormon settlers, thinking that its unique shape looked like the Biblical Joshua reaching his hands skyward in prayer.  They also found the tree useful, using it for fencing and fuel.

If you think the tree vaguely looks like a giant vegetable, you are not too far from the mark.  It is classified in the botanical order of Asperagales – the same order as the asparagus we eat (although I think it lots like a monster broccoli myself).

So here’s to the Joshua tree, for being unique, hardy and useful while overcoming a tough environment.  Come to think of it, those are nice qualities we could adapt ourselves, I believe.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

P.S. For the scientifically inclined, the Joshua Tree’s botanical name is Yucca brevifolia.

A fractal tree drawn just by one line becoming two, then each of those becoming two, over and over again

PBS recently broadcast their Nova program about fractals, an amazing new branch of mathematics that helps us describe natural things like trees, mountains and clouds. 

I’ve been fascinated with fractals since their discovery in the 1970′s  and 1980′s.  They totally changed my view of nature.  Because when we look at natural objects, they look complex.  But it turns out nature creates this complexity from simple things, just doing them over and over again.

The concept of fractals is called self-similarity — that is to say when you look at a fractal object and then parts of that object, and parts of those parts, they are the same shape, just repeated.

Pictured above is a fractal tree, simply drawn by one line becoming two (A becoming B and C), then each of those becoming two (like C becoming D and E), over and over again.  The complex shape that results looks like a natural tree, or a natural broccoli shape.

The tree image above was completely generated by a computer program.  It’s a simple example of the concept.  Many fractal images, much more complex than this, will take your breath away.

Interesting in it’s own right — but fractals have practical purposes too.  Some of the mountain scenes in Star Wars, which look very natural and realistic, were completely generated by fractal computer programs.

Fractals are also being used to estimate the total amount of carbon dioxide that some of the rain forest can absorb.  Using the self-similarity concept, scientists can just measure a few sample trees and the carbon dioxide content of their leaves, and calculate the total CO2 uptake of the forest.

This of course, is important in our continuing studies of global warming.  So fractals play an important role for us.

But my favorite aspect of them comes back to the simplicity of nature and how she uses this simplicity to create the beautiful, complex things in the world – like trees and forests.

That’s nature’s way —  simple, complex, elegant and beautiful, all at the same time.

J. Daniel

You’ll recall in last weeks newsletter (Do You Suffer From Supermedialturbationomacism) that we created that new word, a made up term for the confusion of going by your middle name, and speculated that the Google robots would probably pick up on it.

Sure enough, they did.  Google is amazing — they don’t miss a thing.  I was actually surprised how quickly they did this.  Within hours of making that post, I went out to Google and searched for the term, and sure enough, there it was.

We live in amazing times.  Where else in history could we make up a word, and have it published and available to the entire world in a matter of hours (the WoodChips are read regularly in over a hundred countries).

Of course, all that and five bucks won’t get you a cup of coffee at StarBarks, but still, a fun experiment, and for those of us going by our middle name, we now have a word to describe it — that is to say if we can ever remember it (chuckle).

Anyhow, check it out.  Copy the word Supermedialturbationomacism here, start Google, paste it in the search box and see what happens. .

WoodChips readers send in enthusiastic comments, and often create great WoodChips words in the process.  Typically, these are bad tree puns, and our official position on this is the more clever or the worse the pun is, the better.

Reader Kevin of Kansas City is a Tree-ific example of this in his recent comment on the site when he says “ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS a pleasure to read your blogs and enjoy your treeples!!!!  Amazing how all of this comes out of one persons cranium! How do you turn off the mentation and get to sleep at nite?! What you do is TREEmendous!!”

The Woodster is our resident lexicographer and is compiling these in his Merry-Woodster Chiptionary.  He’d love to hear YOUR WoodChipisms so he can add them to the Chiptionary.

So here’s the deal.  Send in your WoodChip words or phrases with your name and he will add them to the Chiptionary and give you credit by listing your name in the citation section of the definition.

Typically we protect peoples names while still giving them public credit by using one name and an initial — example, if you are Carla Smith, we will write C. Smith or Carla S. to protect your privacy but still give you bragging rights to your friends when you show them your contribution to the site.

So send in those great (bad) WoodChip puns and the Woodster will get busy adding them to the Chiptionary.  And we will publish them from time to time with credit to you in the citation — up to three people per word.

So click on this posts title and enter your worst possible WoodChips Tree pun in the comments box that will appear below, or simply email me at J. Daniel@TheWoodChips.com.

To get you going, a few recent entries are listed below.

Thanks from the Woodster and myself and have a great day – J. Daniel

TreeMendous /Treé́ -Men-dous/ extremely good or impressive; great in amount, scale or good; Usage: Woody had a TreeMendous year selling used insurance and used cars; Citation: Karen R., Kevin C.

Limberty /Lim-ber-ty/ orig. The freedom to grow your limbs in any direction you want; Usage: PatTree Henry in the American Revolution, “Give me Limberty, or chop me down.”; also see LimberTree, Treedom; Citation: The Woodster

Treeples /Tree-ples/ lit. Tree people; shortened slang for The WoodChips; Usage: It’s a pleasure to read your blogs and enjoy your Treeples; Citation: Kevin C., J. Elsey

LimberTree /Lim-ber-Tree/ orig. The freedom to move your limbs and sway back and forth in the wind any way you want to; Usage: June Nipper had the LimberTree to dance the LimbBada in her forest. also see Limberty, Treedom; Citation: June Nipper

Sawdust/Saw-dust/ slang.  Stupid or untrue talk or writing; exaggerated talk or writing; Usage: Woody was spewing his usual Sawdust down at the Bark ‘n Barley Bar last night. also see BS; Bull stuff; Citation: Captn Stumpy

This week’s cartoon is a great analog for many of the organizations that frustrate us.  You might have noticed Melanie’s thoughts in the newsletter Customer Comments section where she expresses total frustration with a large communication company that we will call ad&d.  I share her pain and have written about ad&d in a past post — see http://thewoodchips.com/we-value-your-business-please-stay-on-the-line.

This week’s post concerns a major South Florida bank with a similar tone-deafness, i.e. it’s clear they just don’t want to make loans.  Amazing since just three years ago they would loan money to anyone who could fog a mirror.

Recently, I called them about refinancing my Miami condo to take advantage of the great interest rates.  Now, I have a good credit rating and have done business with them for years.  I ALWAYS pay early, pay more than the payment and pay in cleared funds through my banks automatic bill paying system.

I was told they would require AT LEAST 35% down.

Amazing.  I could in fact cough up the money, but it kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it.  I’m simply trying to lower my interest rate.  Why not require 50%, or better yet, here’s a great idea for a new financial banking product.  Why not require that I put 100% down on the loan and then charge me interest for 15 years.  I’m almost afraid to write that.

This bank is totally tone deaf with a carrot stuck in it’s ear.

Many banks seem to have this affliction these days.  Looks like they’ve figured out they can borrow money for close to 0% (subsidized by you and me through our government to provide plenty of money to loan) and then instead of actually loaning the money, they buy government securities for a 3-4% profit spread and rake in the profits risk free.  Kind of defeats the purpose of the government program, doesn’t it … hmmm … that’s the second time I’ve said “defeats the purpose” isn’t it.

So to my South Florida Banker, I would like to say, “Excuse me, but you have a carrot stuck in your ear.”  I fully expect to receive a canned response back that says “Dear customer, sorry but we can’t hear you because we have a carrot stuck in our ear.  But we value your business, please stay on the line … we value your business, please stay on the line … we value your business, please stay on the line …”

So have you been dealing with any “carrot stuck in their ear” businesses lately.  Feel free to tell us your story by clicking on this post’s title and writing in the comment box that appears below.

Have a great day—J. Daniel

P.S. I got the joke for the cartoon from Drayton Bird’s blog.  If you have any interest in marketing, check out his site at www.drayton-bird.com.  He is THE marketing guru to go to.  Caution—his site is not politically correct (chuckle).