Happy St. Patrick’s Day – J. Daniel

This week St. Patrick’s Day reminds me of one of my favorite foods — corned beef.

I love the stuff and don’t wait around for St. Patty’s day to cook it — in fact I had a brisket last week.

Corned beef is a delicious meat with a curious name, don’t you think?  Actually I’ve never seen any corn with corned beef, although I think it would probably taste pretty good.

It turns out that corned beef is another way of saying salted beef.  Salting meat was a way of preserving it throughout history before refrigeration.  The British Navy used salted meat extensively back in the 1600′s up through the time of modern refrigeration.

So where does the corn thing come in?  Well, back then the word corn didn’t mean the corn you and I eat today.  It referred to chunks of salt about the size of our modern day corn, and the act of corning beef meant preserving it with these corn size bits of salt.

The salt content is why boiling the corned beef is typically the best way to cook it because the water dilutes out some of the salt.  I’ve tried baking the briskets, and this causes a great enough concentration of salt to give you instant hypertension.

Boiling, however, doesn’t really mean boiling because if you do that the meat will be tough.  You should simmer the meat for a long time.  This causes it to become very tender.

Or for the more impatient, you can cook it the way I do.  I use a pressure cooker.  Pressure cookers are great and I’ve been using them for years without blowing my face off in the process.  If you have not pressure cooked you should try it.

This was your grandmother’s microwave.  The extreme steam pressure cooks and tenderizes the meat very fast.  I have taken a frozen brisket and cooked it to a tender state in 45 to 60 minutes.

And it’s great fun watching the little steam thingy rattling back and forth, spewing steam clouds into the kitchen.  Also good in the winter when the humidity is way too low.

And of course there’s the thrill of a possible explosion.

However you enjoy cooking your corned beef this year, whether pressure cooking adventure style or simmering kitchen wus, here’s wishing you a great St. Patty’s day.

Gotta go because I just found a three leaf clover (four leaf is just too difficult) which is giving me a great excuse for a green beer.

Cheers and Corned Beef Go Bragh – J. Daniel

I’ve had it with those impossible to open plastic packages that products come in these days.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  You go buy something and then, when you get it home,  it takes half an hour to open the #@$% thing because it’s sealed inside indestructible, half inch thick, bullet proof plastic.

What on earth can companies be thinking when they use this stuff?  One thing for sure, they aren’t thinking of you and I, the cash paying customers.

This is serious stuff I’m talking about here.  For example, the other day I was trying to open a nice bottle of wine and my corkscrew broke.  Not to be put off of my mission, I went straight to the grocery store and bought a new one.  But I knew I was in deep trouble when I saw the packaging.  Sure enough, the corkscrew was embedded inside that infernal, atom bomb proof plastic stuff.

When I got home I tried to open it to no avail.  I tugged on it, tried a serrated knife on it, stomped on it and thought about running my car over it.  Things were starting to get out of hand as I began to fantasize about chainsaws, the Jaws of Life and thermonuclear weapons.

There was also colorful language involved.

Fortunately, I don’t own a chainsaw, Jaws of Life, or thermonuclear weapons, so I was forced to use more conventional methods.  I eventually got the #@$% thing open with a VERY sharp knife.  This took considerable force and attention – and wasn’t the safest thing I’ve done in my life.

I very nearly gave up on the whole enterprise, but then, there was the unopened bottle of wine, so I carried on.  But I bet many folks have just quit and set their products aside, unopened, out of pure frustration and exhaustion.

I can see future archaeologists digging up all our rigid plastic packages a thousand years from now, shaking their heads in puzzlement, wondering what the heck we were thinking way back in the twenty-first century.  Of course, on the good side, many of the packages they unearth will be perfectly preserved, unopened from customer exhaustion and abandonment.

I’ve formulated a strong rule on packaging these days. For all of you companies out there selling consumer products, here it is.  Packaging should be able to be opened by hand (one hand if you’re really good) and NO TOOLS!

Repeated frustration eventually caused me to do a little research on the Internet.  I learned that this packaging is known as Rigid (no kidding) PVC Clamshell packaging.  And as I suspected, injuries have occurred to customers trying to open it.  In 2004 alone, there were 6000 injuries attributed to the stuff.

More recent data isn’t available because the consumers aren’t able to write with their damaged hands yet.  Further research revealed that the rigid PVC Clamshell stuff has engendered a new consumer phenomenon called “packaging rage.”  Go figure #@%$ … I know a little about this myself.

On a positive note, I did find a consumer tip suggesting the use of a manual can opener — kind of a mini jaws of life.  That sounds safer and workable, and I intend to try it next time.

And an astute WoodChips reader suggested, “If you can’t open it, just re-gift it to someone else.”  Great idea!  You can even say, hey, this is brand new – the package hasn’t even been opened (heh, heh).

Finally, I’ve noticed at least one company who got the word and quit using PVC packaging altogether.  Printer cartridges for my H-PEA printer (not the real vendor name) used to come inside these millennium fortified capsule things.  Because of this I used to dread replacing ink cartridges when the ink ran out – and of course, having to take out a mortgage to afford them, but that’s a thought for another time.

But now they package their cartridges in easy to open, cardboard boxes.

Way to go, H-PEA, and further kudos because I think your boxes will return to the environment in a friendlier manner than the indestructible plastic clamshell things — although too bad I guess for the future archaeologists.

So, back to the bottle of wine I was trying to open.  Exhausted, but not deterred, I finally freed the corkscrew and opened the bottle.  But all I could think of while I enjoyed my drink was how companies could possibly think it was such a good idea to start using these clamshell things.

For a brief moment, I toyed with the idea they were totally focused on their packaging needs and not the consumer, but I quickly dismissed that thought.  The best answer I could come up with was, well, they just all must have been drinking.

So what do you think?  Have you experienced this problem?  Let me know your packaging rage thoughts, injuries, deaths, wars or end of civilization stories involving rigid PVC Clamshell packaging.

Just click on this posts’ title, and write in the comment box that appears below.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

P.S. If you’d like to learn more about this subject, much of my information came from the WikiHow web site.  You can read about it at http://www.wikihow.com/Open-Rigid-Plastic-Clamshell-Packages-Safely.

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Recently I was talking with my friend Charlie, a fellow technologist, about printer problems.  Printer problems are the greatest challenge facing Americans in the 21st Century.  They will undoubtedly be the deciding factor in the next Presidential election.

Charlie’s harrowing story is typical of this serious problem.  He mentioned how his old H-Pea printer tried to feed a ream of paper in one gulp the other night.  This of course caused a massive paper jam, gears grinding, there was smoke, a blown electrical circuit, a call to the fire department, some fireman chopping out windows in the house, and I think Red, his wife, got mad about something.

Okay, so no big deal, but Charlie really needed to print something.

And there he was, staring at the dreaded H-Pea “Printer Jam” screen of death.

There is no way out of the dreaded screen of death.  This message is deliberately displayed to lull printer users into a false sense of control.  But it leads to nowhere and can possibly harm you health.

For example, just try to do something with it.  Pressing the “Okay” button, which by the way is really counter-intuitive because things are definitely not okay, will just cause the printer to try to eat another ream of paper, often compounding the original printer jam problem.

H-Pea also puts a faux print cancel button (this is French and suspect from the git-go) on all their printers.  The button has a big X on it and is intended to make hapless printer users think that if they push it the print job will be canceled and they can start over.  Hah!!!

Then there’s the get physical method of bracing both feet against the printer (women who have had children are much better at this than us guys) which is called the Printer Birthing Maneuver, yank the ream of paper out, and then quickly press the Faux X button before the greedy little B#$#%RD tries to gulp down another ream of paper.

What actually happens is the printer starts printing page after page of one liners that look like this … “axb …3 lTPb  @ d qqq ..– d c  ‘ f ..- 2.”

Usually, this is not representative of what I’ve entered into my word processor, except for the other night when I’d had forty-eleven margaritas and thought I could write lyrics to a song.  So the Printer Birthing Maneuver is not all that useful really.

Calling the help desk is problematic as well.  At no time will you ever talk to a human (see my article entitled “American CEO’s Deathly Afraid of Human Interaction” which I haven’t written yet).  People have spent days, months, even years responding to computer voice commands taking them endlessly through a virtual labyrinth of options and choices, and I’ve heard that a hapless guy named Arnold Gerstenecker in Peoria was found dead, slumped in front of his printer, cell phone clutched tightly in his cold, stiff hand, as the help desk computer kept saying, “We really value your call, please hold on the line for the next available agent.”

Of course, this may just be urban legend.

But Charlie, being an astute technologist, told me he avoided all these problems and hit on the brilliant workaround of feeding just one sheet of paper at a time to the greedy little printer, thus elevating our collective human spirit in a shining example of man conquers machine – reminiscent of John Henry and the guy who recently beat the computer Watson in Jeopardy.

We named this procedure the One Sheet Feed Maneuver and it is now the state of the art, recommended best practice for clearing an H-Pea printer jam.  Case closed.

Satisfied we had advanced the state of printerology, we got to reminiscing about overall printer design.  We agreed that printer’s in general just have too many buttons and options since they try to copy, fax, staple (this never works), scan and just about everything else you can think of and it’s all just too confusing to be practical.

This dove-tailed nicely with one of my earlier articles where I proposed that printers just have one button called the JP-SOB button.  Whenever you want to print something, you press the JP-SOB button and the printer will Just Print The Son Of A B&#ch!

Of course, if printer manufacturers feel absolutely compelled to add another competitive feature besides printing, why not something low tech and really useful like an attached beer bottle opener on the side of the printer.

Our conversation began to drift a bit at this point so we summarized quickly before we moved on to other important subjects involving barley based beverages and fine cigars.

Conclusion:  1) Avoid the Faux X cancel button.  It seldom works, is French, and very unpatriotic, 2) Do not use the Printer Birthing Maneuver – especially if you’re a guy, because you could hurt yourself and 3) DO USE the One Sheet Feed Maneuver if your printer starts printing page after page of  “axb …3 lTPb  @ d qqq ..– d c  ‘ f ..- 2″,  unless of course you’ve been drinking and writing lyrics to a song and this is really what you wrote.

And finally, attach a beer bottle opener to the side of your printer and use it to enjoy a nice, cold, barley based beverage and forget printing altogether.

Hap-Pea Printing!!!

J. Daniel

So the internet was all abuzz today about Jim Carrey’s untimely death in a snowboarding accident.  But then, this could be a great manifestation of Mark Twain’s comment when he said, “The rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

You can’t believe everything you see on the internet.  This has been the topic of many a news story – touting the benefits of the mainstream media because they have “editorial control.”

Right.  Which is why you can always believe everything in the mainstream news.  God bless all that editorial control.

But this gives us the opportunity to say we like Jim Carrey, as zany as he is, because he takes his humor seriously.  And humor is serious business.  After all, the WoodChips are doing their best to “save the planet, one chuckle at a time.

We offer this complimentary obituary to Jim in the hopes that he’s alive and that he gets the benefit of another Mark Twain invention – the rare privilege of hearing all the nice things people have to say about you at your funeral.

You’ll recall in Twain’s book Tom Sawyer, that Tom and Huck got to do just that.  Everyone thought they had drowned in the Mississippi (which they had not) and they listened to their funeral and all the wonderful things people said about them.

Not a bad idea really.  So instead of waiting until someone you care for actually dies, maybe just go ahead and tell them how great they are right now – kind of like a positive pre-funeral thing (you don’t need to mention the funeral).

And back to Jim, hey Jim, you were great and helped save the planet one chuckle, and dare we say, one belly laugh, at a time.  We will miss you.  And we really hope you are reading this right now, alive, and chuckling to yourself.

Back to us again.  Let’s go tell someone we care for something really nice about them.

Like … hmmm … right now.  J. Daniel

Have you ever noticed how politicians can say a whole bunch of words that sound like the definite answer to a question and say nothing at the same time?  I swear, some of these folks are absolute masters at this.

My favorite one these days involves budget cuts.  Most people agree we need budget cuts.  And most politicians do too – or at least, they talk like they believe in them.

So how many times have you seen a television reporter asking a politician to name the specific items he would cut from the budget?  Then the politician says a lot of words, usually about the total irresponsibility of the other political party, and never answers the question.  Then, when asked point blank the second time, he does exactly the same thing the second time.  Two questions, two answers, and yet, no answer.

But the really masterful answer I’m hearing these days is when a politician says he thinks everything should be on the table.  Sounds impressive, doesn’t it. It gives the impression this guy is serious.  It sounds like he thinks budget cuts are so important that he thinks no government program is immune to reduction.  He’s not even trying to defend his pet projects.

But we’re not fooled.  Because what did he really do with that answer.

He just artfully ducked the question didn’t he?

When you say everything should be on the table, you sound sincere, but you don’t mention a single specific program that you would cut.

These folks are simply the best at this.  And I guess it should make us all feel good, right?  Because we pay for them to do this, right?  And we clearly have the best.

It’s just more evidence of American exceptionalism, if you ask me.

Have a proud American day– J. Daniel (with everything on the table, so to speak).