Introducing WoodChips character Woody.  He’s a used insurance and used car salesman.  Looks like he could use an upgrade on sincerity.  Of course there’s no hope for some folks.  The chances of Woody improving are slim to none, and Slim left the room.

For all of you dark film noir classic black and white movie buffs, you will want to watch this 1944 psychological thriller called The Woman In The Window by legendary filmmaker Fritz Lang. 

It starts off with a rather unassuming professor becoming involved with a beautiful model and goes down, or is that goes dark, from there –- hmmm … a touch of murder and desire, with a surprising twist at the end — all the delicious ingredients of the genre, wouldn’t you say.

I’m not that easily moved by movies but did find myself a bit on the edge of my chair in a few parts.  I think I must post this for my Facebook friends.

For you true aficionados, the aforementioned roles are played by Edward G. Robinson and Joan Bennett.  Robinson is a great actor in the film, but I must confess I was strongly attracted to Joan.  See the film and you’ll understand why.

I rented it at www.netflix.com, my favorite source for movies.  I highly recommend them – and no, I don’t get a kickback – wish I did.

So check it out and have a film noir thriller day – J. Daniel

Don’t you just love it when you are told something is for your convenience?

Like when your credit card company sends you a notice that tells you for your convenience they have raised your interest rate to 24.95%.  Or for your convenience they now have online billing – which means that they are no longer sending you a paper statement.

This last one really gets me.  Because it’s really inconvenient for me.  I can tear open a statement in seconds and check it.  And I don’t need to find my user ID and password for THEIR website to do it.  Good gravy, I have more user ID / passwords than a grade school janitor has keys on his key chain.  Which is about the same thing, really.

I thought new technology was supposed to make things more convenient.  I’m all for less paper and saving trees, so just send me an e-mail or a one click option that gets me to my statement straight away.

Now here’s one I really love – when they say, “For your convenience this call is being recorded.”

Really?

You aren’t recording this for any legal disputes we may have in the future?  That you can use against me?  Ahem … for “my convenience.”

I sometimes get the wild impression that these aren’t really for my convenience at all.  They seem to be more for the company’s convenience — the company that issues these inane statements.  But that could just be paranoiac me.

I saw a great post on the internet the other day about a sign at a major retail department store in the United States that said “For your convenience, an elevator is located in China.”

Seriously.

The guy posted a picture of the sign.  He asked, “Just how is this convenient for me, or even relevant?”

Good question.

Now, I don’t know if his post about the sign is true, urban legend or an internet hoax, so take it with a grain of salt.  But what IS SO RELEVANT about his post is how believable it is.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see this.

Oh, and to this week’s cartoon, about the pay toilets, you may think I got really crazy with this one, yes?  Okay, I confess, you are right.  Because these days the price would be five dollars, not ten cents — for your convenience.

But I’ll tell you this actually happened at Lambert Airport in St. Louis some years back.  Yep — you really had to hope you had a dime when you went into their airport.  And not to pick on St. Louis, one of my favorite cities, but I’m sure many other airposrts did this too.  These things seem to come and go as business fads.  Mercifully, this one finally went — away.

Personally, I think companies need to start talking more about what truly is for our convenience and less about their convenience.

Or they should just stop talking completely (hmmm … maybe start using all that energy for, let’s say, customer service).  Because silence seems far better than all the convoluted bull they keep trying to foist on us all.

If not, maybe we should all start talking to them, like “For your convenience, we are taking our business elsewhere.”

I really like the sound of that one.

So what convenience falsehoods have you endured lately?
 
Just click on the title of this post and send me your thoughts in the comment box that appears below.

And have a “convenient” day – J. Daniel.

P.S. This WoodChips post was written for your convenience (chuckle).

I went ocean sailing today. 

I listened to some great jazz on the radio during the 45 minute drive to the sailboat. 

I sailed alone, which I do often when I need to get back to nature – there is a sense of peace and mastery that comes from heading out into the Atlantic alone – a captain of his ship, master of his soul kind of thing. 

The second part of that may be a bit dodgy in my case, but all things considered, a couple of cold beers, fair winds, and all seemed good with the world that supposedly ended yesterday.

Have a nice day after – J. Daniel

I almost didn’t write a post today, what with the world ending.  It’s not often that we have an apocalyptic doomsday, after all.

That said, I think the chances of you receiving this message are dicey, so … please contact me if you didn’t receive this message.  Note: I received a customer letter the other day that actually said this.  I’m not exactly sure how I would know I didn’t receive the letter but still … I think it’s a really good precaution and was impressed at how well they had thought the whole thing through.

Back to the end of the world thing – I suppose I ought to take some action to prepare for this, like back up my hard drive or something.  Yeah, that’s it, and maybe go buy a bunch of canned goods and bottled water.

Actually, I already did that.  I went to the store and, thank God, people had not stripped the aisles bare of necessities yet.  In fact, the store seemed rather well stocked, come to think of it.  I chalk this up to me planning well ahead of the masses.  I rather smugly rolled four grocery carts of the stuff to my car.

Anyhow, you might want to run down to the store yourself before everyone catches on.

Hmmm … also, being an American, I’m sure I need to go buy a bunch of guns and ammunition.  I haven’t done this one yet.

The end of the world doesn’t come around all that often and personally, I think it’s a big deal.  But just in case you miss it, don’t worry, we have another one coming up in 2012, so you’ll get another shot at it.

It’s a Mayan thing I think.  Their calendar ends in 2012, which seems rather odd since their civilization ended hundreds of years ago.

Personally, I think they just ran out of numbers.  After all, the number google hadn’t been invented yet.  You know google – it’s a number followed by a hundred zeros.  For those of you not mathematically inclined, that’s a really big number.  For example, it’s estimated that the total number of electrons in the universe is only a number followed by 40 zeros, a trifling amount, really.

So we can deduce that the world ending is not due to us running out of numbers, because we have invented the number google since the Mayan civilization ended.  It must be for some other reason.

So why is the world ending today?

Well, the whole thing comes from Harold Camping, an 89 year old who runs Family Radio, a network of Christian radio stations.  He’s some kind of biblical math genius who, based on a verse in Genesis (which says the world will end in seven God days after the end of Noah’s flood) calculated this to be May 21, 2011.

For those of you not in the know, he says God days are 1000 years, so that works out to 7000 years after Noah’s big flood event.  The logic seems reasonable and the math impeccable because he was a civil engineer before he turned to running his radio stations.  Also, I personally checked the math which is (7 X 1000 = 7000) – he’s dead bang on with this.

Personally, I’m a bit miffed it’s happening on a Saturday.  That’s normally the day I pick up my laundered shirts and do my grocery shopping, so it’s kind of inconvenient for me that the world ends today.  Why they couldn’t do it during the work week is beyond me.

Anyhow, I take him at his word, because, how humiliating would it be if I didn’t and the world ended – I mean, that would be pretty embarrassing.

Thank goodness, I’ve got the grocery thing done already.  So I’ll probably just watch it all happen from my porch.  Maybe I’ll smoke a nice cigar, a Monty Cristo, perhaps.  And I’ll have my camera too, because I think the sky always does some weird things during the end of the world.

That way I can post the pictures on Facebook next week for all my friends. 

Now won’t that be cool.

Have a nice day … ummm … last day – J. Daniel

P.S. Don’t forget to back up your hard drive.

Quite some years ago my friend Lisana Maria from Venezuela was always sharing her latest observations of American life with me.  One night as we were going out to dinner was no exception.

Walking to the car from her Miami apartment I pointed to a field nearby and said, “I see you have a driving range nearby.”

“Yes,” she replied brightly.  Then all was silent for a few seconds as I saw thoughts begin to flicker quickly across her face.

Breaking the silence, she said, “You know, Dan, I can’t believe they show golf on television in this country.  No, really it doesn’t belong there.  It’s so slow and always the same.”

Continuing on in her Venezuelan accent she said, “The man on TV he says, oooh, … the ball, it is a leetle bit short.”  Or he says, “Oooh … the ball, it is a leetle bit too far.”  “It’s always the same.”

I agreed it seemed rather dull for television.  Getting into the spirit of the conversation, I said, “You know, Lisa, I once heard the definition for golf is it’s the best way a person can screw up a perfectly good walk.”

She laughed and said, “ That’s perfect, Dan, that’s what it is really.”  I allowed it was entirely true when it came to my golf game.  Lisa was greatly amused.

She went on to say, “and when they are done with the game, they talk to the golf players on TV and they say, oh yes, it is such a difficult sport, I lift many weights every morning, or another he say, oh yes, I run many miles to stay in shape.”

“What’s with this?” she asked. “They ride around in carts all day.”

“I think golf is a social thing,” she concluded.  “It’s no sport, really.”

Fully into the swing of the conversation now, I said, “Yes, when I first started playing golf I used to carry my clubs and it was great exercise, but I quickly realized I could carry more beer if I rented a cart.”

Warming up to my subject, I continued, “For this reason, I’ve always felt they should rent golf carts at the driving range.  That way you could drive a couple of cases of cold beer over to the tee.”

Of course, carrying on with the television tradition, I can see the commentator now when he says, “Oh, he fell on his face a little short of the tee,” or the commentator he says “oh, he fell flat on top of the tee.

On the other hand, I concluded, maybe this shouldn’t be televised after all.

Golf’s no sport, you know.

Not really.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

Our third cartoon on the NeanderTrees gives rise to a burning question.  Should they be called the NeanderTrees or the NeanderChips?

Please send me  your opinion on this momentous decision. 

Just click the title of this post and and scoll down to the comments area.

Thanks and have a nice day – J. Daniel

The inspiration for this week’s cartoon is of course Stonehenge (click here for a picture of Stonehenge).

I visited Stonehenge in the mid-70’s during my time in England.  It is a magnificent monument located in the English county of Wiltshire.  If you ever have the opportunity to visit it, by all means do so.

I was working in London with Ken Taylor, the head of our international operation.  Ken is a fine gentleman in every respect and another Brit I have the privilege to call friend.  We were developing a world-wide foreign buying system for one of the largest retail department store operations in the United States at the time.

I worked with another local friend, Steve, in the computer center, and we were prone to hit the pubs after hours.  On one of these pub evenings, Steve and I decided to drive from London to Stonehenge very early that weekend so we could see the sun rising through the stones as the ancients did.

It was another fine example of pub induced creativity.

Being on a company expense account, and well fortified by Guinness, I toyed with the idea of renting a Ferrari for the trip and went so far as to call for the rental rate.  It was a screaming $50 a day, big money in the seventies and a sad comment on how far the dollar has fallen in the intervening years.

Outside of the extreme creativity it would of taken on my expense account, (I hope the statute of limitations has expired on this thought process) I finally decided against this clearly rational transportation choice for a rather noble reason.

That is to say that they drive on the other side of the road in England, and I thought it would be criminal to risk wrecking a Ferrari on the trip.  So I rented a more conventional car with a much lower rate and let Steve do the driving.

We rather groggily left the Selfridge hotel in London around 3:00 AM and made our trip.  The effects of our pub induced planning took their toll and as the sun was rising, breakfast became a greater necessity than seeing sunrise though the stones at Stonehenge.

Nonetheless, we got to the monument and made a day of it, taking a great deal of pictures and thoroughly enjoying the place.

I saw those pictures not long ago and noted that Stonehenge had not aged nearly as much as I have in the intervening years.  By all means click here for a picture of Stonehenge. I would show you the picture of me as well, but true to form, can’t seem to find it now that I need it, probably a misplaced victim of my latest relocation to Orlando.

So back to this week’s cartoon, there may be a few … hmmm … historical distortions.  For starters, Stonehenge was probably used more as a calendar than a clock, but I bet you already got that one.  And it was built around 2500 BC, while the last Neanderthals, who actually had nothing to do with Stonehenge, died out around 25,000 years ago.

Ummm … also note the Pterodactyl thing flying in the sky which is a ginormous bird without feathers (which flies in the face of bird definition).  The last Pterodactyls flew about 65,000,000 years ago.

So the time span goes roughly from 65,000,000 years to 4500 years ago all in one cartoon.

This is perhaps a bit of a stretch, although I have read that the Creationist show humans riding dinosaurs in their museum, so no doubt I’m on safe ground here.  Safe or not, I artfully duck behind the protection of poetic license, although I’m not so sure what poetry has to do with all of this.

Suffice it to say there was this monument created a long time ago, and people being people, probably had opinions about it.

No doubt there were skeptics among them — especially the ones dragging all those big rocks around.

Just think about that the next time you have a bad day at the office (chuckle).

J. Daniel

Maria Shriver, an American Journalist, Kennedy family author and former wife of former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, has a great line to describe her diet.  She says she basically, “shuts her mouth.”  That’s pretty crisp and to the point, wouldn’t you say?

From this and other clues, we can intuit she uses some form of the portion control calorie counting diet.  The portion control diet allows you to eat just about anything you want, but limit your portions to control your calorie intake. 

Other clues indicate she is a believer in exercise.  So she uses the portion control and exercise diet, a fairly common diet for most.  And no doubt her former husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, believes in the exercise thing too, (chuckle).

Many people successfully diet this way.  The disadvantage is that it requires some pretty good discipline to stick to it.  And Maria would probably agree with that.  She says she doesn’t have any real diet secrets and “… I struggle all year long.  I can go up and down five pounds easily.”

Maria gets into the emotional connection with food, and I think rightfully so.  She says, “We, as people, tend to make an emotional connection to food. This is a huge vice in society.

She feels people often focus on protein content and carbohydrates and, of course, exercise. While she thinks exercise is “absolutely important,” she feels people tend to overeat because they don’t feel loved. She thinks many people feel misunderstood, and that someone who feels love, often has a lot less issues with food.

Maria watches her weight with the old undersized clothes trick.  This way she can tell when they begin to feel uncomfortably tight that she needs to cut back on her portions and calories, and maybe hit the exercise trail a bit harder.

And part of her solution for society at large?  She is the Creative Marketing Director for Lovin’ Scoopful ice cream.  It has 1/2 the fat and 1/3 fewer calories than other premium ice creams. And it’s made with an all-natural base that comes from cows not treated with growth hormone.

The ice cream has a Facebook application called “What Ice Cream Flavor Are You?”
Also, it was developed to support a good cause; the Special Olympics, because 25% of its profits are donated to the Special Olympics and other causes.

Now that’s an emotional connection to diet we can all get behind, don’t you think.  Maybe I’ll practice her “shut my mouth” thing later.

Have a great day – J. Daniel