We are being advised from the highest political levels that you are destroying our economy — please see our press photo above of a recent presidential speech from HealthcAir Force One (Air Force One) concerning extravagant spending executives who fly around in private jets.

I personally don’t own a private jet, but if I did, I’d quit using the #*%!  thing.  Just look at what all that jet flying did to the stock market last week.  Geez, down 600 points, then up 400, back down 500 or so, on and on.  It’s too much for a body to take.

We normally don’t comment on politics too often (chuckle) but WoodChips Central felt it would be irresponsible if we didn’t post this public announcement.

So just stop flying those private jets so we can get this economy and the stock market turned around and everything will be just fine.

Thanks, and have a nice day – J. Daniel

P.S.  Additional benefit — I gather that stopping all that extravagant private jet flying will cause the national debt to just disappear or something.

It has been positively stressful lately.  We’ve  faced numerous simutaneous crises such as  1) a football strike, 2) inability to invest in Dunkin Donuts and 3) some trifling budget deficit thing I kept hearing about on TV.

Anyhow, the country faced up to these problems, rallied and showed its true national priorities.

First, we took care of the football problem and ended the strike.  I don’t know all the details here but just guessing there were probably gazillions of dollars involved to get this done – and money well spent, I might add.  This undoubtedly averted a national meltdown.

Speaking of football, my British friend Ken Taylor once cracked me up at a pub with his droll observation that in American football we wear crash hats (helmets).  I think the implication may have been we are a bit wussy compared to English football – sans crash hats – and well; he may be on to something with that.  Never underrate the British, my friends.  They are a tough lot.

Anyhow, back to the second crisis facing the country, EVERY American eats Dunkin Donuts all the time, especially the police — but none of us could invest in the company.  This has been a national tragedy in the offing for some time.

Then, miracle of miracles, Dunkin Donuts went public with a stock offering and now everyone can invest in this American staple diet item.

This no doubt averted a congressional convention to amend the constitution which would have read something like “Congress shall pass no law that prohibits life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and shares of Dunkin Donuts,” or something like that.

Which averted another BIGGER crisis of Congress going back into session, i.e. as the late, great Will Rogers always said, “The only time the country is safe is when Congress is not in session.”

Whew – so we got a pass on that one.  Two down, one to go.

Then we had this trifling budget deficit thing which I almost didn’t report because I don’t know what really got done.

Basically we owe a butt load of money and Congress wrangled around about reducing the debt and ultimately decided to create some super committee and let them decide what to do with it later.  So at least they didn’t kick the can down the road and we can all be thankful for that.

Come to think of it, this courageous decision did lead to one very positive outcome which was that all the television reporting stopped.  Thank goodness, because this was really looking like some very bad Washington D.C. Reality TV.

Ummm … also then all the congressmen went home so we’re safe again.

All that said, its clear America has not lost its core values and those that write us off prematurely do so at their peril.  After all, solving our problems in this priority order of  1) football, 2) Dunkin Donuts and 3) that little debt thing … hey, that just says it all, doesn’t it?

So don’t give up on America yet.  Our national will is still very much intact.

Is this a great country or what?

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

I swear, the meetings I attend these days are nothing but acronyms – which makes them incredibly hard to understand.

One of the worst fields for acronym abuse is IT (Information Technology – i.e. Computers) whose name is even an acronym.  I guess there’s a clue in there somewhere.

Years ago I used to attend an IT status meeting every Friday that was just full of acronym abuse.  People were always saying things like “our SA is going into UT after we verify that RFS has the new PROC updates.”

Really?

Couldn’t you at least say our Sales Audit system will be User Tested after the Reference File System PROCedures are updated?  That may still be cryptic to some, but at least it’s using real words and I at least get that SA is a computer system, not a plant or animal genus, or a person’s initials, or a government form.  Well okay, so I can rule out government form because it’s too short – they’re more like 1040-A or something.

I swear, they need to start a twelve-step program called AA – Acronymers Anonymous.  It would start with each person standing in front of the group and saying, “IAAA,” — I Am An Acronymer.

So back to the meeting, I decided one Friday to use totally made up meaningless acronyms when I gave my update.  So I told everyone we were “finalizing the XB process for BPM at EOY,” with great authority.

Nobody questioned it (chuckle).

Which leads me to another interesting factoid I ran into that said that over 25% of executives admitted to using acronyms in meetings that they didn’t understand.

Hey, that can be serious.

For example, how do I know when someone says CYA if they mean “See Ya” or “Cover You’re A#@?”  There is a difference.

Anyhow, the use of language has devolved so deeply into meaningless acronyms I am proposing a new concept in language.  From now on let’s just draw simple pictures for things and use those as words.

Oh, that’s already been done, right.  The Egyptians did that.  They were called hieroglyphics.

Still, there are days I’m sure that this would be a step up from where we are.

Kind of a back to the future thing.

So anyhow, if we don’t want to go that route, let’s all agree right now to quit using acronyms, okay.

OK.

BCNU – J. Daniel

It's a little known fact that Mexicans used to put Mayonaise on their tacos before Cinco De Mayo

One evening Woody was spilling his usual sawdust to Mimosa down at the Bark ‘n Barley Bar.  She’d mentioned Poco Loco was in earlier, very excited about a Mexican holiday coming up on the fifth of May.  She thought it would be nice to have a little surprise for Poco at the bar, but didn’t know anything about the festivities.

So she asked Woody about it, because she thought Woody was very smart and knew everything.

Well, Woody told her the holiday was called Hold da Mayo and many people mistakenly believed it was a celebration of the Mexican Independence Day.  He said he thought people got confused because if you add two months to May 5th and subtract one day, you come up with July 4th, which of course is the American Independence Day.

“But,” he continued, “It really isn’t the Mexican independence day since they had won their independence from Spain a decade earlier.”  He said it was more like a boycott of a foreign power, almost like the Boston Tea Party.

“It’s a little known fact,” he continued authoritatively, “that Mexicans have always put Mayonnaise in their tacos for hundreds of years.  “And,” he said, “They always bought the Mayo from the French, who stole credit for inventing it from Al Gore’s Great Great Grandparents.”

But the French kept voting to impose greater and greater taxes on the mayonnaise they exported to the Mexicans, to the point where poor families could barely afford to put it on the their little Niño’s tacos.
This made the Mexicans mad, but what made them even madder was they had no say in the vote.  There were loud grumblings by political scientist about mayonation, the act of taxing mayonnaise without representation (I know, I know, it’s French, what can I say).

So, the Mexicans refused to pay any more taxes on the mayonnaise, and in fact, shipped it all to Boston to be thrown in the harbor.  The Americans, already checked out in this procedure, were more than happy to oblige their southern amigos.

When the French leader Napoleon III heard this, he was very #%$$ed off and said things like, “Mon Deux, what is the world coming to!!!” which literally translated meant, “My God, what is the world coming to!!!”  He also kept muttering,”Sacre Bleu!!!” which sounds really French but we don’t understand why he kept saying it because it means blue pig.

Having thrown his little Napoleonic tantrum, he sent four thousand of his crack troops (yes, there were drug problems in the military back then) to go beat up the Mexicans, make them pay their taxes, and stop buying a new American product called Miracle Whip, which was being substituted by the Mexicans and wreaking havoc on the price of mayonnaise futures in the French commodities market.

Well, the French invaded Mexico, and marched on the little town of Pueblo, which latterly translated means, little town.  As the battle ensued with the French charging from one end of town and the Mexicans from the other, Generalisimo Zaragosa knew he needed to rally his troops so he shouted, “Whup those blue pigs arses!!!”

But this confused his troops, who kept looking around for blue pigs, but could only see the French soldiers.  Finally in desperation, he shouted “Hold da Mayo!!”  This the troops understood, since it was what the battle was all about.  So they all rallied and shouted, “Hold da Mayo” and a few other unprintable things, beat the French up and won the battle.

From that day forward, no patriotic Mexican would ever put mayo in his tacos again.  The Mexicans always remembered how the Americans had helped them by dumping all the mayo in Boston harbor, even though it still hadn’t been cleaned up one hundred and fifty years later.

And President Jackson, representing the American admiration for their southern brothers and for a really good fight, said in his state of the union address, “Man, those Mexicans can really kick arse!!!” which confused many Americans who never understand foreign words, but they got the gist of the story and cheered anyway.

“And so,” Woody concluded, “this is why the Mexicans celebrate their independence from mayonnaise.”
“Besides,” he said, “it’s another good excuse for a fiesta.”

And that, my amigos, is about the only part of the story he got right.

In a stunning press release today, computer scientists at WoodChips Central announced that the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 has cleared beta testing and is now in production. 

The BullChip-A-Tron 9000 is a highly advanced heuristic artificial intelligence computer that can translate inane drivel told to customers and citizens by businesses and politicians throughout the world. 

WoodChips computer scientists have been working feverishly on the hardware and software in the past few weeks.  The new system was inspired in part by many recent Facebook posts of Drayton Bird, British direct marketing genius and all round great wit.  In these posts he singled out recent marketing messages he had received and translated them for his Facebook audience. 

Two of these stand out as the inspirational catalyst for the BullChip-A-Tron 9000.  The first was a subject line concerning Low Cost Employee Recognition strategies, which he translated into “Hello serf, what is your name? You can call me Lord God Almighty, you worm?” 

And the second was a marketing writer signing off with the phrase, “I’m standing for all that’s possible for you in life and business.”  Drayton’s translation: “Every penny I can possibly gouge out of you before you realise you’ve been conned”. 

Of course, no machine will ever be able to replace Drayton’s genius, but we realized there was so much of this stuff out there that an automated approach was required.  Indeed, watching recent business and political commentary (like the budget deficit) drove our urgency levels to a desperate pitch.  We knew we had to do this to save the world. 

The BullChip-A-Tron 9000 capitalizes on and amplifies a well know digital computer characteristic known as GIGO (garbage in, garbage out).  Businesses and politicians provide the garbage in, and the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 translates it into the garbage out.  This is the genius of the WoodChips computer scientists’ approach, in that they took what was considered a bug (flaw) and turned it into a feature (actually an old IT trick).  It is the digital equivalent of taking lemons and making lemonade. 

For those technically inclined, the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 employs proprietary, patented, massive quad core WoodChipMicroChip (TM) circuits and software to do these translations.  Physical features include an input typewriter console to enter the garbage as well as display units to show the input (garbage in) and output (garbage out).  There is also a BullChip Meter that rates the translation from minus 10 (total BullChip) to plus 10 (totally true), thus creating the ability to numerically rate business and political BullChip for the first time in history. 

Testing was extensive, including the classic business drivel “We value your call, please stay on the line.”  This successfully translated into “We won’t spend one extra cent talking to you, just give us your money you low life customer worm.”  This pegged the BullChip meter hard left to a minus 10 reading and almost blew out all of the heavy duty 1.5 megavolt variable truth potentiometers so breaker circuitry was installed. 

The final test used the classic metaphysical statement a=a to assure against false positives.  This read plus 10 (totally true) on the BullChip Meter and assured our computer scientist that they were ready for production. 

There is an endless list of future garbage to be translated and astute WoodChips readers have been flooding our inbox with them.  For example, Honorary WoodChip Jason recently returned from a trip to Costa Rica.  In his field report he wrote “I flew Spirit.  Very cheap tickets.  But it turns out you have to pay even for carry-on bags (the ones that go overhead).  How do they phrase it?: ’To give our customers more options regarding baggage, we now offer carry-on baggage for a fee.’” 

We’re almost afraid to run that one through the BullChip-A-Tron 9000, and our computer scientist have wisely decided to double up again on the breaker circuits before translating it. 

You’ll be hearing of more breakthroughs with the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 as the American political season gets underway. 

So what do you think Spirit’s baggage phrase will translate to?  And do you have any inane business or political statements you would like translated? 

Have a great day (but wear your hip boots, it’s mucky out there) – J. Daniel

P.S. Sites you will want to check out.  1) More of Drayton’s wit and wisdom at http://drayton-bird-droppings.blogspot.com/.  2)  Jason’s excellent investment site that I use (he’s the Executive Editor) which reads +10 A-Okay True on the meter – you might want to join – at  http://libertystreetinvestor.com/

Like a near nuclear reactor meltdown due to a highly improbable 8.9 earthquake in Japan.

The number 8.9 just doesn’t sound as big and as bad as it really is when it comes to earthquakes.  This is because scientists use a logarithmic scale.  I’m not exactly sure what logs have to do with it, but they fit in nicely with the WoodChips so we’ll just go with it.

A 6.0 earthquake is bad.  A 7.0 is ten times as bad.  An 8.0 is a 100 times as bad and an 8.9 is about 1000 times as bad as bad.  Hmmm … pretty bad.

And highly improbable.

I can just see a theoretical cost savings meeting forty years ago with all the business associates, marketing, accounting and engineering sitting around the table designing the Japanese Reactor.  Most of these businessmen are saying, “So can we shave a little off the material in the containment vessel – that would save a lot of money.  And hey, can’t we get some cheaper water pumps that cool the uranium to keep it from melting down, these seem expensive.  I saw some used ones on eBay the other day much cheaper.” (Ignore the fact that eBay hadn’t been invented yet – I said this was theoretical – chuckle).

In this discussion, two of the engineers say this would be too much of a risk in case of a big earthquake, like a 7.0 or an 8.0, and the businessmen retort, “Hey, an earthquake that size is so improbable it will never happen, and really, how bad can it be.”  The engineers insist it’s too risky and the businessmen start calling them poopy-pants because they won’t get with the cost saving program, so the engineers just up and quit in protest.

Now I have no idea if this really happened, although I am quite sure these conversations go on too often in some large corporations who begin to value cost cutting over quality and customer service.  But the real point is that forty years later, the improbable happened with an 8.9 earthquake in Japan that has so far caused a near meltdown in at least one nuclear reactor.

Which puts me in mind of a story I heard years ago when I was going through Marine Corp boot camp.  The United States Marine Corp’s sixteen week boot camp is loads of fun and you make cool new friends, especially two or three kind of “big brother” types called Drill Instructors who help and advise you by yelling at you all the time and making you do squat-whoopee’s forever (bend and thrusts, push-ups, running miles and more miles, etc.) from before dawn to dark.

The Marines are also known for their guard duty excellence and are responsible for the internal security of more than 120 United States Embassies and Consulates around the world.   This is a specialty they take great pride in and have developed a very strict protocol for it.

So there I was in boot camp, learning the guard duty protocol, which starts out something like this.  If you see someone coming, you say, “Halt, who is there.”  Then, whatever name they give you, you repeat THAT EXACT NAME and say, “Advance to be recognized.”

So one dark and foggy night, young private Jones was doing guard duty at the end of a lonely pier.  He heard footsteps in the distance.

So he said, “Halt, who is there!”
And a voice came floating out of the fog saying, “Captain Marvel.”
Private Jones, thinking this was a joke, broke protocol and said, “Well, Captain Marvel, why don’t you just sashay you’re little A#$ on over here to be recognized.”

Footsteps advanced through the fog and a few seconds later a Marine in uniform with captain’s bars emerged from the fog.  His name really was Marvel.

And as of this writing, young Jones is still doing squat-whoopees forever.

Like I said, sometimes the improbable really does happen.  Sometimes an 8.9 earthquake really does happen around a nuclear reactor – in Japan.

And sometimes, it really is Captain Marvel.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

Note 1: The strict Marine protocol really is stated as, “Halt, who IS there,” not, “Halt, who GOES there,” as you see so often in the movies.

Note 2: Interesting links on the Marines and their guard duty.
http://www.marines.com/?WT.srch=1&WT.mc_id=GSLP_MARINE_CORPS_MAIN#default
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marine_Security_Guard

Groundhog Day is celebrated in the United States and Canada, presumably because they have areas that can get really cold.  So by this time of the year people are winter weary and in need of hope that the sun will shine again and Spring will arrive.

Lending credence to the “cold weather” theory is the fact that Groundhog Day doesn’t seem such a big deal here in Florida.  If you mention Groundhog Day in Orlando, everyone will pretend that you are talking about the movie starring Bill Murray, casually mentioning that entertainment is a big thing here in Disney country.

But don’t be fooled.  They are using this as a dodge to keep from dredging up old feelings about this highly controversial subject here in the deep South, i.e. it almost started the second Civil War (known as Civil War II) resulting in Orlando threatening to secede from the Union.

It all started years ago, when some local booster tried to get Groundhog Day celebrated in a big time way, with parades and merchandise and related stuff like that.  Good as this may sound; the whole thing became highly controversial and rapidly spun out of control.

My research revealed two hotly contested issues.

The first involved cruelty to animals.  You see, the little groundhogs would pop out from under their beach umbrellas every year to see if the sun was shining and warm weather would return in six weeks.

The problem was, the sun was always shining and it was always warm, and they began to feel like they were living a pointless existence.  They took to drinking and moping about, often muttering “what’s the purpose of life,” under their little groundhog breath.  And of course they suffered from depression a lot as well.  It was pathetic, really, and the whole thing was getting out of hand with mopey little groundhogs everywhere a body would turn — until PETA stepped in and began pressuring the evil boosters to cease and desist.

Which is just as well because the political consequences here in Orlando were also about to blow up.  You see, since a groundhog is a rodent, many people felt that Mickey Mouse (also a rodent) should be the one to pop out from under his beach umbrella to proclaim to the world, “Yup, the sun is shining.”

People take their Mickey Mouse / Disney stuff pretty serious down here, so the clash between the Mickey Mousers and the Ground Earthers (as they were called) quickly deteriorated into food fights and catcalling and the hurling of insults at each other like “You don’t know your B@#! from a groundhog hole in the ground.”

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and the PETA action helped put the thing down.  Aside from nobody wanting to talk about it much, things have been relatively calm ever since (presumably the warring factions went underground).

Now, for you doubters out there, I admit my facts may be a little uncertain here – but I pretty much think this happened, or could have happened … and for sure Mickey Mouse is a rodent and lives here in Orlando, so the other stuff is probably accurate as well.

That said, if you are in a colder climate, I understand that Ground Hog day is a HUGE BIG DEAL because it gives you hope that the cold weather will be going away soon.  As a native of the Great Frozen North myself, I still follow the more prominent groundhogs and their predictions (see exhaustive list).

My favorite GF’s (Groundhog Forecasters) are Woody and Woodstock Willie, but really, these are all the Crème de la Dirt, so I don’t think you can go wrong with any of them.

I’ve listed the top GF’s and their last year’s predictions.  This way, you have adequate information to pick one based on their professional credentials and get a truly accurate forecast for your region.

So read through the list, choose carefully, good luck, and here’s wishing you get a favorable Spring prediction on Groundhog Day.

J. Daniel (popping his head out from under the beach umbrella).

P.S. Many thanks to Wikipedia and their contributors for the great research on this subject … except for the Groundhog Wars in Orlando piece, which I claim entirely, and have a nagging suspicion Wikipedia wouldn’t want to claim anyway.

Table of Top Groundhogs in the Nation – 2010 Predictions – Word Chart