In a stunning press release today, computer scientists at WoodChips Central announced that the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 has cleared beta testing and is now in production. 

The BullChip-A-Tron 9000 is a highly advanced heuristic artificial intelligence computer that can translate inane drivel told to customers and citizens by businesses and politicians throughout the world. 

WoodChips computer scientists have been working feverishly on the hardware and software in the past few weeks.  The new system was inspired in part by many recent Facebook posts of Drayton Bird, British direct marketing genius and all round great wit.  In these posts he singled out recent marketing messages he had received and translated them for his Facebook audience. 

Two of these stand out as the inspirational catalyst for the BullChip-A-Tron 9000.  The first was a subject line concerning Low Cost Employee Recognition strategies, which he translated into “Hello serf, what is your name? You can call me Lord God Almighty, you worm?” 

And the second was a marketing writer signing off with the phrase, “I’m standing for all that’s possible for you in life and business.”  Drayton’s translation: “Every penny I can possibly gouge out of you before you realise you’ve been conned”. 

Of course, no machine will ever be able to replace Drayton’s genius, but we realized there was so much of this stuff out there that an automated approach was required.  Indeed, watching recent business and political commentary (like the budget deficit) drove our urgency levels to a desperate pitch.  We knew we had to do this to save the world. 

The BullChip-A-Tron 9000 capitalizes on and amplifies a well know digital computer characteristic known as GIGO (garbage in, garbage out).  Businesses and politicians provide the garbage in, and the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 translates it into the garbage out.  This is the genius of the WoodChips computer scientists’ approach, in that they took what was considered a bug (flaw) and turned it into a feature (actually an old IT trick).  It is the digital equivalent of taking lemons and making lemonade. 

For those technically inclined, the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 employs proprietary, patented, massive quad core WoodChipMicroChip (TM) circuits and software to do these translations.  Physical features include an input typewriter console to enter the garbage as well as display units to show the input (garbage in) and output (garbage out).  There is also a BullChip Meter that rates the translation from minus 10 (total BullChip) to plus 10 (totally true), thus creating the ability to numerically rate business and political BullChip for the first time in history. 

Testing was extensive, including the classic business drivel “We value your call, please stay on the line.”  This successfully translated into “We won’t spend one extra cent talking to you, just give us your money you low life customer worm.”  This pegged the BullChip meter hard left to a minus 10 reading and almost blew out all of the heavy duty 1.5 megavolt variable truth potentiometers so breaker circuitry was installed. 

The final test used the classic metaphysical statement a=a to assure against false positives.  This read plus 10 (totally true) on the BullChip Meter and assured our computer scientist that they were ready for production. 

There is an endless list of future garbage to be translated and astute WoodChips readers have been flooding our inbox with them.  For example, Honorary WoodChip Jason recently returned from a trip to Costa Rica.  In his field report he wrote “I flew Spirit.  Very cheap tickets.  But it turns out you have to pay even for carry-on bags (the ones that go overhead).  How do they phrase it?: ’To give our customers more options regarding baggage, we now offer carry-on baggage for a fee.’” 

We’re almost afraid to run that one through the BullChip-A-Tron 9000, and our computer scientist have wisely decided to double up again on the breaker circuits before translating it. 

You’ll be hearing of more breakthroughs with the BullChip-A-Tron 9000 as the American political season gets underway. 

So what do you think Spirit’s baggage phrase will translate to?  And do you have any inane business or political statements you would like translated? 

Have a great day (but wear your hip boots, it’s mucky out there) – J. Daniel

P.S. Sites you will want to check out.  1) More of Drayton’s wit and wisdom at http://drayton-bird-droppings.blogspot.com/.  2)  Jason’s excellent investment site that I use (he’s the Executive Editor) which reads +10 A-Okay True on the meter – you might want to join – at  http://libertystreetinvestor.com/

Like a near nuclear reactor meltdown due to a highly improbable 8.9 earthquake in Japan.

The number 8.9 just doesn’t sound as big and as bad as it really is when it comes to earthquakes.  This is because scientists use a logarithmic scale.  I’m not exactly sure what logs have to do with it, but they fit in nicely with the WoodChips so we’ll just go with it.

A 6.0 earthquake is bad.  A 7.0 is ten times as bad.  An 8.0 is a 100 times as bad and an 8.9 is about 1000 times as bad as bad.  Hmmm … pretty bad.

And highly improbable.

I can just see a theoretical cost savings meeting forty years ago with all the business associates, marketing, accounting and engineering sitting around the table designing the Japanese Reactor.  Most of these businessmen are saying, “So can we shave a little off the material in the containment vessel – that would save a lot of money.  And hey, can’t we get some cheaper water pumps that cool the uranium to keep it from melting down, these seem expensive.  I saw some used ones on eBay the other day much cheaper.” (Ignore the fact that eBay hadn’t been invented yet – I said this was theoretical – chuckle).

In this discussion, two of the engineers say this would be too much of a risk in case of a big earthquake, like a 7.0 or an 8.0, and the businessmen retort, “Hey, an earthquake that size is so improbable it will never happen, and really, how bad can it be.”  The engineers insist it’s too risky and the businessmen start calling them poopy-pants because they won’t get with the cost saving program, so the engineers just up and quit in protest.

Now I have no idea if this really happened, although I am quite sure these conversations go on too often in some large corporations who begin to value cost cutting over quality and customer service.  But the real point is that forty years later, the improbable happened with an 8.9 earthquake in Japan that has so far caused a near meltdown in at least one nuclear reactor.

Which puts me in mind of a story I heard years ago when I was going through Marine Corp boot camp.  The United States Marine Corp’s sixteen week boot camp is loads of fun and you make cool new friends, especially two or three kind of “big brother” types called Drill Instructors who help and advise you by yelling at you all the time and making you do squat-whoopee’s forever (bend and thrusts, push-ups, running miles and more miles, etc.) from before dawn to dark.

The Marines are also known for their guard duty excellence and are responsible for the internal security of more than 120 United States Embassies and Consulates around the world.   This is a specialty they take great pride in and have developed a very strict protocol for it.

So there I was in boot camp, learning the guard duty protocol, which starts out something like this.  If you see someone coming, you say, “Halt, who is there.”  Then, whatever name they give you, you repeat THAT EXACT NAME and say, “Advance to be recognized.”

So one dark and foggy night, young private Jones was doing guard duty at the end of a lonely pier.  He heard footsteps in the distance.

So he said, “Halt, who is there!”
And a voice came floating out of the fog saying, “Captain Marvel.”
Private Jones, thinking this was a joke, broke protocol and said, “Well, Captain Marvel, why don’t you just sashay you’re little A#$ on over here to be recognized.”

Footsteps advanced through the fog and a few seconds later a Marine in uniform with captain’s bars emerged from the fog.  His name really was Marvel.

And as of this writing, young Jones is still doing squat-whoopees forever.

Like I said, sometimes the improbable really does happen.  Sometimes an 8.9 earthquake really does happen around a nuclear reactor – in Japan.

And sometimes, it really is Captain Marvel.

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

Note 1: The strict Marine protocol really is stated as, “Halt, who IS there,” not, “Halt, who GOES there,” as you see so often in the movies.

Note 2: Interesting links on the Marines and their guard duty.
http://www.marines.com/?WT.srch=1&WT.mc_id=GSLP_MARINE_CORPS_MAIN#default
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marine_Security_Guard

The latest milestone in this endeavor is a computer to compete in the popular television show Jeopardy.  The computers name is Watson, probably named for the late head of IBM, and Watson has been exposed to vast areas of knowledge on the internet.

Watson is a virtual Wikipedia with so much trivial knowledge he is the size of ten refrigerators and has a 15 trillion byte memory.  It’s full of information like about all of the great literature, mathematical and scientific formulas, Oscar winners, kings and popes and all other sorts of trivia (note to self … hmmm, wonder if Watson knows about the WoodChips).

Artificial intelligence made a big public splash when computers first started playing chess, ultimately beating Grand Masters of the game.  But chess is easy by comparison to Jeopardy when it comes to artificial intelligence.  Chess has a narrowly defined set of rules and a very small and limited vocabulary.

A major challenge for Watson is to simply understand the question.  This is a far more open and messy problem – there are days when I have trouble understanding the question.

But I predict ultimately that Watson or his ilk will win and become close to, if not, unbeatable.  It’s a John Henry thing, really — perhaps inevitable.  And there are those that predict that computer artificial intelligence will surpass ours in a few as twenty years.  That’s not so far off if it comes to pass.

But like all progress, I predict problems.   Jeopardy will need to do something to fix their sagging ratings as all the boring robots play on the show.  I suggest they get Vanna White to come over from Wheel of Fortune and be a contestant in her off hours.

I think ratings might go back up if that were to happen.   You heard it here first at the WoodChips.  What do you think?  About anything (chuckle).

Have a nice day – J. Daniel

Here’s a couple of helpful tips for you. 

First, you can do this for free.   There are many free blog programs out there.  I’ve tried most of them and I can save you some time by telling you what I consider to be the best for beginning (and professional) blggers.

Overall, the best blogging program is WordPress.  WordPress is used by more bloggers than any other blogging software i n the world.  This site (The WoodChips) is actually created in WordPress, so you can see how far you can actually take the concept.

WordPress has two versions.  They are the internet version (the easiest) and the self-hosted version (more complex with more features).  If you want to start out, I’d recommend the WordPress internet version.  They take care of all the hosting for you and all you do is write and post your blogs.

You could literally have a blog posting out on the internet in thirty minutes to an hour from now by starting out this way.

The other advantage of this approach is if you really get into it, and want to move up to the more complex version, they have a conversion program that helps you make the change.  That way, all of your earlier work can be preserved.

So if you’ve got the blogging itch, and it’s something you’ve wanted to try out for some time, check out WordPress.  I think you’ll like it.

Go here and choose the Geting a free account on WordPress.com option on the page.  You’ll be up and running in no time.

Have a nice day – and good luck with your blog – J. Daniel